Water (Ari)

So far, things were going surprisingly smoothly since Christmas break began. Matthew would be lying to say that on the first day, he wasn't a bit nervous about the whole thing. But his nerves mostly stemmed from Ollie. Because even though his brother had agreed not to say anything, Matthew wasn't sure Ollie could handle not blurting it out to their mum the first chance he got - and even if he could handle it, it was unlikely that he'd want to. But Ollie had kept his word up until now, and after a day or two, Matthew stopped worrying about it. Even better was that Ollie and Ari living under the same roof wasn't nearly as terrible an experience as he thought it would be. Though he wouldn't say they were getting along exactly, they weren't causing any problems. Well, Ollie wasn't causing any problems. Ari was a bit skeptical of Matthew's brother and seemed to prefer to avoid him. Sometimes, he couldn't blame her.

Truthfully, Matthew had thought that acting like they weren't together would be easy. He was hardly the more forward of the two of them, and he didn't think it would matter much whether or not he got to treat her like his girlfriend. But in reality it wasn't nearly as easy as he'd expected. They had to be particularly cautious around Matthew's mum, and Matthew's mum was always around. Which meant they generally had to stay at least three feet apart at all times. Three feet wasn't far, but it felt far when you were used to being closer than that. If Ari minded, she didn't show it - but he doubted she'd show it, since she seemed glad enough to be there in the first place. Although, in reality, she'd been acting a bit - different, lately. Since before they'd come home. But if something was bothering her, she wasn't saying it, and for now Matthew had decided to let it slide. But if she didn't start acting normally soon, he'd have to push it.

Despite how well things were going, the sleeping arrangements were shit. They didn't have an extra room for Ari, so Matthew had to give up his room and double up with Ollie. Which wasn't the greatest, because Ollie was either being a git or being the weirdest fucking person on the planet. So in the end, Matthew had instead opted for the living room couch. Because Ollie snored, on top of everything else, and Matthew would never get any sleep if he stayed in there. So, like every other night since they'd gotten home, when night came Matthew drug his comforter downstairs and got comfortable on the big couch against the far wall of the living room. Normally, Matthew had trouble falling asleep, but they'd had a busy day. Which meant that in no time, he'd drifted off. But, busy day or not, he was a light sleeper - unlike the rest of their family who could sleep through a tornado and not know the difference. So when he heard footsteps cross the room behind him, he stirred awake almost instantly.

Rolling over, he looked toward the kitchen to see who had come down. He smiled when he realized that it was Ari, who was already reaching for a glass from the cabinet, but didn't say anything. She hadn't noticed he was awake, and he watched her fill a glass of water and head back toward the stairs. She wasn't very observant, was she? Matthew allowed her to pass him, his eyes following the bright red of her hair, before speaking up "Leaving already?" he asked, revealing that he was awake. With a yawn, he sat up on the couch, stretching. "Can't sleep?" he asked, when she turned back toward him. He shot her a grin and patted the space next to him. "You don't even have to keep a three foot radius," he assured her, a sheepish tone to his voice. "Mum's the heaviest sleeper ever. She doesn't wake up to anything."

Ari had been tossing and turning the past few nights and not sleeping well at all. She tried to avoid going down stairs at all costs because Matthew was down there, and she knew she would wake him if she did. Not that she wouldn't love the chance to get to actually sit near him without being afraid of acting suspicious about something, but Ari then decided to not be stubborn and go down stairs even though she knew she would run into either a sleeping Matthew, or an awake one, and at this time of night, she wasn't sure which one she would prefer more. Ari kicked off Matthew's bed cover's and groggily made her way down stairs. She wiped the sleep from her eyes, and went to the cupboard to get a glass for water. She didn't realize somebody was watching her until he had said something. She jumped and said, "You scared me..." It was funny because Matthew was the least scary person she knew. She went and sat next too him. It felt weird now that they were alone, being so far away. When he said something, she scooted closer.

When she closed the gap between them, she felt safe. She felt like nothing bad could ever happen to her again. But she knew that was a lie. If her mum had died, she knew more bad things could happen. She thought that that had been the worst possible thing to ever happen and that it would never happen to her. But, now here she was. She played with her fuzzy pant leg debating on whether or not to tell him right then and there about her mum. She knew he would be pissed for her not telling him right away, but it was killing her not telling him. She realized she made that mistake when it was too late to change back time even if that were possible. She asked, "You can't sleep either?" She was positive that his reason for not being able to sleep was different from hers. She wanted so badly to tell him about the nightmares she had been having.

Ari sank closer to him. She had forgotten, in the few days they had to pretend that they weren't a couple, how nice it was to be that close to him. She said, "It's nice being close to you again." She leaned her head on his shoulder, her eyes getting a little bit droopy. She said, "I'm glad Ollie's not telling on us..." She really would hate to go home. Being so close to the Bennett's she could see it happening in a flash. She started to trace circles on Matthew's hand with her index finger. She said, "Your families really nice. I wish I was brave enough to introduce you to mine." It was the truth. Any given day, Ari would have Matthew over in a heart beat. But now, with her mum gone, everything had changed. She couldn't invite him over on an impulse. It had to be planned and well thought out. Not that she would go over to her home anyways, that was simply ridiculous.

Apparently, he'd startled her. Which he'd half-meant to do. Laughing to himself, Matthew sat up to make room for her as she turned back toward him. "Sorry," he said, but it was obvious that he didn't really mean it. "You're a bit jumpy lately, though," he added a bit more seriously. Because really, Ari was a bit jumpy. Or maybe jumpy wasn't the right word. She was just a bit more cautious - and not quite herself. But still, Matthew didn't bring it up. It wasn't much like Ari to keep something important to herself. She was an open book - she told him everything that was wrong. Hell, she told him everything that wasn't wrong if there was even the slightest chance that it might be wrong. Whatever it was that was causing her to act different couldn't be anything serious if she hadn't mentioned it so far. Instead, he just waited for her to join him.

Ari seemed a little hesitant at first to close the gap between them - which was understandable. His mum was like a vulture, and Ollie wasn't much better when he was around. "It's seriously okay, nobody's awake," he added, his eyes flicking toward the stairs and back to her. "I mean, I snuck to your house and back once without getting caught, remember? Nobody's gonna wake up, I promise." Matthew was definitely not the more forward of the two, and in a lot of ways he was definitely less affectionate than Ari was. In the sense that he still found it a bit awkward to instigate anything and didn't exactly get upset if Ari didn't instigate anything between them. Which was why he hadn't expected the small sense of relief that came when Ari scooted toward him, pressing into his side. A smile ghosted across his face, and his arms slid around her shoulders more naturally than they normally did.

"No, I was sleeping," he said with a laugh. "I'll wake up to almost anything. But I don't like sleeping much, really. It feels like a waste." Because when you were sleeping, you weren't living. Not actively, at least. So Matthew normally only slept as much as he had to. He didn't look forward to going to sleep like most people. Usually, he stayed up late and woke early. Matthew smiled and rested his chin on top of Ari's hair at her words. "Ollie won't tell," he assured her. But he hesitated when she mentioned introducing him to her parents. Because Matthew had never met Ari's parents, and they didn't exactly sound like the friendly, welcoming, pyromaniac loving type.  They were apparently more the type that made their only daughter not even want to go home for Christmas. But Matthew still understood why she would want him to meet them. "Well, first of all, you haven't seen Mum when she's angry," he told her, looking down at her. Then, after a moment, he continued in a slightly more serious tone. "But Ari, if you want me to meet your parents, I will. You don't need to be afraid of that." Thinking about his words carefully, he added one more thing. "You shouldn't be ashamed about wanting them to be a part of your life, you know." Matthew's words were cautious, because he was half-sure that Ari would detest them. "I know that they hurt you, and I'm not saying that you should forgive them for that. I wouldn't. But they're still your parents Ari, and you should know that I understand that. Even if you don't understand it yet yourself."

Ari looked down. She was jumpy. She knew why. She said, "Nothing is the same at home anymore." She looked down. It was the truth. Everything was all sad and depressing. She tried to be sad and depressed, but it was hard to feel sad for somebody who passed that you never knew. It was that point, that Ari decided that she NEEDED to tell him. She had felt so much relief when she had told Ollie. She wanted complete relief for after when she told Matthew. She rolled her eyes when he told him that he was a light sleeper. She didn't understand how he didn't like to sleep. Ari loved to sleep. When she wasn't with Matthew, working on her studies, or worrying about everything else that was happening. Sleep was her way to escape. Her one chance to get away from her reality. Except, sometimes, her reality slipped into her dreams, and that made it hard to get away.

Sometimes she was stuck on the ground, everyone she ever cared about, including Derek, was in the sky flying, and she was having troubles spreading her wings and flying. Then all of the sudden, the ground turned to sticky molasses. Ari was stuck. Literally stuck. She woke up in a panic thinking she was drowning in the molasses. Everyone she loved was above her. Flying away and leaving her behind. She knew there was a meaning behind her dream that kept happening. She wasn't letting go of her past, and it wasn't helping her out in the present day. That was when she knew FOR SURE she needed to tell Matthew now more than ever. As she listened to his rant about her life, she listened. And really listened. She knew he was right, as always, but she could NEVER forgive her father for what he did. He deprived her of her mother's love. And that sucked. It hurt more than her dying.

She took a deep breath. She said, "Th-they've done more...Remember when I got pulled out of Potions class that one day? My father was there..." She took another breath. She continued, "I was afraid to tell you before because I thought I could handle it by myself. And now I know how stupid that was after I told Ollie...I realized I should've told you straight away...But..." This was it. This was the moment to where she would be able to join everyone in the sky. This was the moment to where she would be able to breathe. She continued, "He told me that there was more to them than just work. Working was an illusion. Apparently my mother had been really si-sick. Him coming to Hogwarts, was him telling me that... telling me that.." She couldn't say it. Water had formed in her eyes, and tears started to fall. She needed to say it. She needed to accept that it had actually happened. She said, "Hetoldmethatshedied." She said it in one big jumbled mess. She said it again, "My mum is dead." Tears poured down her face. She wasn't sure how he would react. And that's what scared her most of all.

Matthew looked down at Ari when she spoke, but didn’t respond out loud, because he wasn’t sure what to say. Nothing was the same at home, but Ari had always hated home. So what could have changed that could possibly be worse? Still, saying that out loud seemed a bit insensitive. The truth was, he didn’t like this version of Ari. He much preferred the Ari that thought she was the best person on the planet to the one who seemed to be acting as though she was the worst. Matthew ran his fingers along her arm to reach for her hand, feeling a bit as though they were switching roles. Normally, he only reacted to Ari – instigating was new to him. But even though she hadn’t really said it, he felt like right now, she needed him to do the instigating, for whatever reason. So he let his fingers lace with hers more confidently than they might have before, and pressed his lips albeit hesitantly to her temple in hopes of drawing her attention off of whatever was bothering her. Or, to let her know he was there if she wanted to talk about it. Either way.

But his brow furrowed when, all of a sudden, her whole demeanor changed. Words started spilling from her mouth, and he frowned as he felt her shake a bit beneath him. ”I remember,” he said, looking down at her with a confused expression. Yes, she’d been pulled from potions. But she’d come back and never said anything about it, so Matthew had assumed it had just been about an assignment or something. Wait, what was going on? Ari was starting to cry, and Matthew wasn’t sure whether to comfort her or demand that she tell him what was going on. When she mentioned Ollie, he couldn’t help but ask. ”Ari, you aren’t making any sense, what are you talking about? Told Ollie what?” What could she possibly be afraid to tell him?

Finally, the explanation came. And truthfully, it took Matthew a moment to comprehend it. Because it was just – absurd. The entire thing. What kind of parent did that to their child? And what kind of person didn’t tell their boyfriend, or their best friend, or anyone when their mum had just died? ”I’m sorry, but – what?” Matthew asked, his mind still trying to wrap around what she’d just told him. ”Ari, you’re seriously telling me that your mum died, and you didn’t tell me?” What the hell was wrong with her? ”That day, when they pulled you from potions – that was weeks ago and… and you didn’t say anything? This whole time?” Matthew knew that he should be being sympathetic. He was sympathetic, he just couldn’t understand. He pulled away from her a bit, just so that he could look down at her face. ”Why the hell would you keep something like that to yourself?” He knew that there was an edge of anger in his voice, but he wouldn’t have been able to keep it out if he’d tried. Because it was ridiculous, that Ari should think there was any reason she couldn’t tell him. He would have been there for her – he would’ve helped! He was angry, because she’d put herself through more pain than she needed to for what? For nothing.

Matthew took a breath, looking down at her again, and finally the gravity of what she’d said kicked in. Just because he was angry at her for not telling him didn’t mean that he’d deprive her of his comfort now. That wouldn’t make the slightest bit of sense. ”I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, though he wasn’t sure if he meant for his anger or for her loss. Probably both. Either way, his arms locked more tightly around her, pulling her against his chest. ”Just calm down,” he murmured against her hair. The same thing he always said. It always worked before – he could only hope that he’d have the same effect on her now. ”I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. It’s gonna be okay.”

Ari shouldn't be upset. She should be thrilled. Her mum had died. That was one less person to ignore her. She knew it was a terrible thing to think, but in a way it was true. Her mother didn't care enough to spend one last day with her only child. Ari replied, "I'm sorry. I thought I could handle it myself." She had wiped her tears away, and nothing came down afterwards. A normal girl who had lost her mother should've been balling for weeks. But this was really the first time since her father had told her that Ari had actually cried about it. Ari replied, "I felt like I put so much on you. I wanted to give you a break. That's what Ollie said anyways." She didn't want to tell on Ollie about what he said, but whether he liked it or not, it affected her. And now if something affected her, it affected Matthew. She continued, "There's really no excuse for me not telling you. I was stupid and I'm sorry, and the next time something big like this happens, I'm going to tell you first thing."

She rambled. Something she did when she was nervous. And there he went again. Calming her down like always. She said, "I'm so glad I have you..." It was the truth. Since her mother had died, she didn't get the chance to let her know that she still loved her even though Ari had been put through hell. Ari realized that she loved Matthew at that very moment. But was it too early to tell him? But what if he died tomorrow and she never got the chance to tell him? There would always be that fear lingering in her thoughts now, and no way in hell it would change. Ari replied, "I never knew her... I'm not sure why I'm sad about it..." It was the truth. Why was she sad and crying? Why didn't she tell Matthew right away? A lot of thoughts lingered now. A lot of them terrible. She asked, "Does that make me a terrible person?"

Ari was the typical Slytherin. She usually thought so highly of herself, and that she was the best at everything. But now, she was letting her true colors show. Ari didn't understand herself at the moment. She didn't know who she was anymore either. Everything was changing so rapidly that her life was now a complete blur. She was glad to have Matthew. Matthew was the one constant. He was the one who reminded her that she was the best person in the world, but at the same time, he told her how it was and brought her down to a normal people level. Ollie was wrong in what he said. She did know Matthew. And he was the best.

She thought she could handle it herself. Matthew just stared at her for a moment, trying to wrap his mind around that concept. The truth was, Ari couldn't handle most things herself. She was the type to blow everything out of proportion and panic about things that didn't even matter. But even if she could handle this by herself... "Why would you want to?" Why would anyone want to keep something like that to themselves, when they had people who could help them through it. But, after a moment, Ari continued, finally explaining. "You don't, though. And anyway, Ari, I've never minded - wait, Ollie?" Matthew's eyes narrowed a bit as, all of a sudden, Ari brought up his brother. "What did Ollie say to you?" Obviously, he'd said something that made Ari think she was doing something wrong, which she wasn't. Aside from keeping something so big from him, which was ridiculous.

Matthew sighed. "It was stupid," he insisted. "But it's okay. I mean it, Ari, you can always tell me anything. I don't feel burdened, or whatever the hell it is you think. I mean, if it's something stupid, I'll probably tell you it's something stupid, but no matter what, I just want to help." He glanced down at her when she said she would tell him next time. "I hope there isn't a next time," he said seriously. "But if there is, promise you won't be afraid to tell me." Matthew didn't respond when Ari said she was glad she had him, because the truth was that there was a part of him that recognized how unusually strong her attachment to him was. But it didn't make him care any less for her - it was just something that he might need to be cautious of. But he could be cautious another day - another time, when Ari didn't have such a reason to be unbelievably distraught. So, after a moment, he nodded. "I know." he replied.

Honestly, sometimes Ari was completely oblivious to life itself. She was really trying to convince herself that she shouldn't be upset? "Don't do that," he told her, pulling away only to look down at her. Her eyes were already puffy from crying, and he absentmindedly lifted a hand to wipe the moisture from her cheek. "She was your mom, Ari - you're supposed to be upset, whether you knew her or not. Trying to convince yourself you shouldn't will only make it worse." Not that Matthew had ever lost a parent - not that Matthew could imagine not knowing his parents. But he was sure that it wouldn't be healthy for Ari to bottle anything up, just because she thought she shouldn't feel it. "You aren't a terrible person," he told her. "Just relax," he said again, sighing.

Ari didn't know. She thought she knew at the time why she did it, but now, she didn't. It was another stupid thing that she thought up, and she mentally slapped herself. She knew Matthew would want to help. She knew that Arwen and all of her friends would want to help. She knew Aunt Evelyn would want to help... And suddenly, it was a huge mistake being here with the Bennett's and not at home with her family in their time of need. She replied, "I don't know..." It was the truth. She cringed when he freaked out about Ollie. It really wasn't Ollie's fault, she had instigated the conversation, so it really was her fault. Like everything seemed to be now a days. She said, "I was talking to him... About why he didn't like me... He delivered. But really, it's no big deal. You told me why you didn't like me in the beginning. I just hoped it would fix things with him." She didn't know if it would help Matthew not being mad at Ollie for what happened, but at least she tried.

She smiled at him. He really was the greatest thing ever. Even if Ollie had said that she was doing everything in existence wrong, she was glad that Matthew was there to help calm her down and fix the problem that was happening. It was when Ari realized that she couldn't live with Matthew forever, that she started thinking. And when she started thinking, everything blew up even more. She hoped their wasn't a next time either, and she'd never have to go through the pain of loosing somebody ever again. Even though she knew that there was a slight chance that that could happen. She nodded and said, "I'll tell you." And she totally would. These past few weeks have been terrifyingly lonely. A feeling she hated. There were moments when she was in Matthew's presence that she wanted to cry out to him, but she couldn't because she was too stubborn. She smiled a sad smile realizing how shitty life really was at the moment.

In all truth and honesty, Ari was a complete git for thinking that she didn't have to be sad because her mother died, and she didn't know her. But that didn't mean that Ari's mum didn't know Ari. Maybe she could finally get closer to her father now. Maybe now things could be different. She realized now that she wasn't mad at everyone else, she was mad at herself. She was mad at herself for not fighting hard enough. Being silent was not the way to go in this situation. She should've DEMANDED that she NEEDED their attention. She should've refused Aunt Evelyn's distractions. But because she tried to hide behind her own dramatic acts, she lost the precious time she didn't know was precious. She lost moments she could've shared, and memories she could've made.

But at the time, it as all that she thought she could do, and it was worth the effort. She believed that she came out a better person because of it. When Matthew wiped away her tears, she smiled at him. She didn't wine, she didn't cry. She was a better person coming out of a fight she knew she couldn't win. And she had learned to open the pages of the book, and to not just read the cover. There were details. She said, "This whole time, I was just blinded by something bigger that was happening behind he scenes. And that sucks." Now she just wanted to cry. She just wanted somebody to be there for her and cry. She didn't care who it was. But it looked like Matthew was there. She let the tears fall. In his presence she knew everything was going to be okay.

”About why he didn’t like you,” Matthew repeated dryly, not the slightest bit amused by the information. ”That’s a cheery conversation for the holiday,” he added sarcastically, not bothering to hide the irritation in his voice. Though, he was sure that it didn’t contain even half of the feeling that had twisted in his stomach as he thought about it. Because yes, Ollie had changed. And yes, Matthew knew that he didn’t want Ari there for the holidays. But he’d never in a million years thought that his brother would be so awful as to actually go behind his back and be mean to her. Ari was obviously trying to blow it off, but it didn’t matter whether or not she was offended. Because Matthew was. Ari wouldn’t understand the sense of betrayal he felt that went a bit deeper than anger, so he didn’t mention it. Anyway, it was understandable enough that he’d be angry just on principle. ”Yes, why I didn’t like you when I was eleven, Ari. Ollie’s seventeen, and he’s my brother, and he should know better.” Obviously, trusting his brother had been a mistake. Obviously, trusting that his brother was still partly who he used to be was a mistake. ”You don’t need to fix things with him, that isn’t your job. What did he say to you?” Matthew asked again. ”Just tell me Ari, I’m not dropping this.”

At least Ari seemed to be convinced that what she’d done was stupid. ”Good,” he replied when she agreed to let him in on it the next time someone important died. He almost felt bad after thinking of it that way, because it really wasn’t funny, but the irony took the edge off it a bit. It was a bit strange, because he felt like he knew Ari better than anyone else, but then there were times when he felt like he’d never understand her. She was hardly the self-sacrificing type – except with him. It was almost like Ari was afraid to upset him, but she didn’t seem to understand that it upset him more to know that she was wasting so much effort on keeping him out. Did she really think so little of him, that he’d not be able to handle helping her through something big? Matthew sighed and pushed the thought from his mind, because it was a conversation for another time, maybe. But not now, it didn’t make any difference now. ”It does suck. But it wasn’t your fault, you know that.”

And now she was crying again. Which was to be expected, and Matthew sat quiet for a bit and let her, his hand rubbing circles into her back. But after a few minutes, he sighed and pulled away a bit to look down at her again. ”Come on,” he said, reaching for her hand. ”Let’s get some fresh air.” Standing up from the couch, Matthew guided Ari with him toward the back door, letting go of her hand to pull his boots on over his pajama pants. [color:21ae=00cc00]”Here.” Matthew grabbed a coat at random from the coat hook by the door and handed it to her. ”And don’t worry – I’m an expert at sneaking out at ridiculous hours of the night,” he reminded her with a slight grin, trying to cheer her up. She would already know that – he’d visited her on his midnight escapades before.

Ari could tell that Matthew was pissed about the whole Ollie thing, and he wasn't going to let it go. And maybe she shouldn't of told him. But no. He needed to know these things. And Ari needed to start trusting him. Was trust the issue? She didn't know. Maybe she was hiding behind her whole abandoning issues thing because she didn't really trust him, and that scared her because he was her best friend. She took a piece of her hair and said, "Something about how I'm doing everything wrong? I didn't really get it, and he wasn't really himself either. He was different. And he smelled." Ari knew it wasn't because he hadn't bathed in weeks either. Ari knew she shouldn't be making excuses for him either, but Ari thought that he needed help, and Matthew was good at helping. She added, "He also claimed that I didn't know you and boy did I prove him wrong!" She beamed.

Ari knew it wasn't her fault deep down, but something made it feel like it was, and that was what was so unfair about the whole thing. Well, it was also unfair that her mum was gone, but she left with Ari thinking that her mum didn't love her. And that was unfair too. She nodded and said, "I know it's not my fault. It just feels like it sometimes. Like if I had hung out with her more, or talked to her, maybe I could've made her better you know?" She also knew that the probabilities of Ari hanging out with her mum and making it all better where also slim. She didn't even know her mum's condition. Which made it ten times worse. Ari said, "I guess I know how you feel, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you...It sucks not knowing. I would've been there for her you know?" And she would have. 100% of the time. She would've dropped everything to be there for her mother. She would've quit school, dropped Matthew, left Arwen, if it meant that she could hug her mum one last time. But now, that moment was impossible.

She started to calm down a little bit. The tears where still coming, but they were slower. Things where looking a tad brighter. She knew there would be times when she couldn't stand it and would need help, and she was glad that Matthew now knew her deep dark secret. All of a sudden, he had grabbed her hand and pulled her up from the couch and led her to the back door. She asked, "Where we going?" The tears drying from her face. She followed his lead and put on her boots, and he handed her a random coat. He said that he was an expert at leaving the house at a ridiculous hour such as this. She smiled. He had visited her countless times in her room. And at that moment, it didn't matter where they where going. She was with him.