Focus (Ari!)

Okay, so Matthew had finally given in and agreed to dance - entirely against his better judgement of course. And it turned out to not be that bad, since the music was mostly fast, and Matthew wasn't a bad dancer. Of course, the first slow song that came on was pretty much the most awkward moment that Matthew had ever experienced in his life, as Ari had insisted that they stay out on the floor for it, and Matthew had done everything he could to stay as far away from her as possible during it. Which shouldn't be hard, but it was, because he wanted to close the gap between them. Fire would naturally burn through anything in it's path, inevitably, each and every time - though Matthew could stop it with enough focus. And though he wouldn't admit it, being with Ari felt the same way. There was no denying it - he was drawn to her, like flame to paper, and he felt sure that if he didn't stay focused on keeping away from her, the results - though not clear yet through his confusion - would be just as inevitable. He just couldn't let his guard down.

But that was in the beginning. The ball had been going on for hours now, and Matthew had lost his focus a long time ago. First of all, it hadn't taken him long at all to take his jacket off and loosen his tie. Oh, and obviously ditch his mask, which was annoying. Now, deep into the night, most of the music was fast, and Matthew laughed and danced, and reached for Ari's hand carelessly to spin her around in the middle of the huge crowd of people on the dance floor, and when a slow song came on, his hands slid around her waist easily, no longer trying to keep an arm's length between them. And he didn't know what any of it really meant, but it felt new and exciting and filled him with such a sense of euphoria that he didn't bother to question it. Currently, a particularly upbeat song was on - the kind that required a lot of jumping around and throwing your fist in the air. And when it ended, Matthew burst into a round of laughter.

"Wanna go outside for a bit?!" Matthew shouted at Ari over the music, because they'd been dancing for a while and it was seriously hot in the Great Hall, and the cool October air would definitely be a good change. He wasn't sure if Ari heard him, since it was so loud, so he grabbed her hand and pulled her along with him, grinning and breaking into a run as they escaped the crowd. When they finally escaped through the front doors, he slowed down, breathing heavily from dancing and running, but still grinning widely nonetheless. "Some Ball, huh?" he said, walking down the steps and dropping down to sit on the lowest one, the silence a huge contrast from the deafening music inside. "Let's just sit for a minute - it's hot in there anyway," he said, inclining his head to the step beside him indicating for Ari to sit down - if she could in her dress, that was. "Are you having fun?" For some reason, her answer mattered to him more than it should have.

Ari had been having the time of her life. Seriously. She was glad that Matthew asked her, because if he hadn't then she probably wouldn't have gone at all. Well that part was a lie, but she probably would've gone alone, or with Arwen or somebody had he not asked her. She had finally gotten Matthew to dance. It was awkward at first, and she actually regreted making him, but then they started getting into it, and he grabbed her hand again, and it was wonderful. She had butterflies in her stomach every time they danced. Matthew had lost basically his entire wardrobe, and she had lost her shoes which had been giving her terrible blisters, and her mask was starting to get itchy, so she took that one off too.

They were jumping, dancing, laughing, and just having a good time, and Ari didn't want it to end. But she knew it would soon, and that made her sad. She had known Matthew for five years now, but she had never felt this close to him in all the years that she had known him. And oddly enough, it felt remarkable. She felt weightless, like nothing could hold her down. She was the balloon in the sky flying high and free. And as she danced in circles, with him leading her, there was nothing more satisfying. It felt like the firs bite of pumpkin pie on thanksgiving, or opening up the first Christmas present on Christmas morning. All of her worries seemed to have disappeared in that moment. At that moment, she was limitless. She was free.

Next, Matthew asked her if she wanted to go outside. It was rather hot inside, what with all the bodies, and movement and excitement going around, that Ari agreed to go with him. She felt that something could happen. He grabbed her hand like he had been doing all night, and the biggest smile appeared on her face. It was the smile of pure happiness that hadn't been on there for a long time. And Matthew was the cause of it, she was sure. As they literally ran threw the crowd, Ari felt more free than when they were dancing. It felt so great to run with her best friend. They finally took a seat on the steps, both of them smiling ear to ear. Ari leaned back on the steps and crossed her legs. She ran her hands threw her hair and wished she had a hair tie, because it was bloody hot.

The cold air felt good as she caught her breath from the running. Ari looked over a Matthew with the biggest smile on her face. Instantly, in that light, she saw something that she hadn't seen before when she looked at Matthew. It was his face. She had seen it before, but tonight, it looked different. She asked, "Have you done something different with your hair?" His hair. Maybe that was it. He commented on the ball, and she nodded. She said, "Yeah, some ball." Was she having fun was his next question. She was having the most romantic, fun, adventurous time of her life. She smiled and said, "Yeah. I am. Thanks for asking me to go with you." At that, she grabbed his hand and leaned on his shoulder. She was exhausted, but didn't want it to end. But she knew it would eventually. So she grasped onto his hand tightly knowing that she couldn't do it again tomorrow.

"No, my hair's the same. Why?"Matthew’s eyes followed Ari as she sat down beside him, a huge smile on her face as she ran her hands through her hair. And for once, he didn’t try to stop himself from looking at her, because he’d never seen her this happy in all the time he’d known her, and he liked seeing her face light up the way it was right now. ” I’ve never seen you like this before,” he said, voicing his thoughts much more freely than he would have any other time. ”You know, carefree and not worrying about everything in your life all the time.” It was true, though. Although he wouldn’t call her entirely stuck up necessarily, she did tend to have a slightly guarded, slightly too proper personality. And although he’d had plenty of fun times with Ari this year, this was the first time Matthew had really seen her let go of it all and just have fun.

And she was having fun – she said so, and Matthew felt a bit of relief wash over him. ”I didn’t know if I would,” he admitted, shrugging. ”I mean, it still would have been way cooler if it was a normal costume party – but it’s surprisingly not lame.” And that was even more surprisingly because he’d gone with Ari. And then, she continued on, thanking him for inviting her. Which he would’ve responded to with something like a basic your welcome, except that she reached for his hand and her head fell on his shoulder like it was no big dea. And at first, he felt himself hesitate. Yes, the whole night he’d been grabbing her hand and had stayed rather close to her – but every time, it was because he was dragging her somewhere with him, or because they were dancing or something. This – this was different. It had no purpose – nothing else that Matthew could blame it on.

But really, who the hell was he kidding. Grabbing her hand for a moment and letting go, pulling her in for a slow dance and then backing off. Matthew’s subconscious had been dancing around this all night. Toying with the idea, but refusing to accept it for more than a few moments at a time. Playing with fire, if you will. And he was pretty sure he was finally starting to understand the inevitable result that came from letting his guard down. If he could just focus – just get his head together, just for a minute – maybe he could have stopped himself. But her hand in his, and the way she literally looked flawless in the moonlight, and especially the way she was practically radiating happiness – Matthew really didn’t stand a chance.

His fingers slipped through hers, his eyes lowering to their hands. He watched his thumb trace a circle over her skin as though it wasn’t really him doing it. ”I’m glad I did,” he finally replied, his voice a bit more serious than usual. He felt his breath come out slightly uneven, probably because he was acutely aware of how close she was. But, after a moment of silence, he spoke again. ”Do you even know how annoying I used to think you were when we were kids?”” Matthew asked her, surprising himself with the phrase when we were kids. It had just slipped out, but Matthew suddenly realized that it was true. He’d be sixteen in two months. He’d just never wanted to accept it before. That seemed to be the running theme with a lot of things in his life lately. ”And I mean, you really were sometimes,” he added, a joking tone to his voice. ”I never thought I’d actually want to be friends with you back then – but I guess things change, huh?” People grew up. And Matthew still wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

Ari replied, "No reason at all... I just thought I noticed something different..." Ari replied, still mesmerized by his face. It still amazed her that in a different situation he could look completely different than if they were just sitting in class, or walking to the common room for some unknown reason. On a more serious note, Matthew noted how happy and care free she had been all night. Ari nodded in agreement and said, "Yes. I haven't thought about anything stressful. Surprisingly. I guess I have you to thank for that don't I?" In all truths, she did have him to thank. He had gone out of his way and given her one night to forget about everything going on at home, and at school (but mostly at home). She continued, "It feels nice." And it did.

Ari had always thought the ball would be fun. But she would be spending it probably still worrying about things she couldn't control, like her parents her Aunt, School, and this new situation with Matthew that she just didn't understand quiet yet. But had it been a costume party, she didn't think things would've happened the way they were right that very moment. Ari knew Matthew was having second thoughts about this entire ordeal. As was she. She wanted everything all at once but knew she couldn't, and it was quiet frustrating. Ari flashed back to them laughing, and dancing on the dance floor. It was a great night, and one she would never forget. She truly was happy, she had never been this happy in her life. Which was sad

Then Matthew started talking about the beginning. About how they became friends and how annoying he thought she was. It hurt her feelings for a moment. Was she really that bad? She knew she got on peoples nerves a little bit, but was it truly enough for Matthew to not want to be friends with her? Ari sat in silence taking it all in. She never really thought of herself the way Matthew was saying. But the thought that he was willing, or unwilling to sit with her through it all these years made her heart feel even more warm and fuzzy if that was even possible. And when he had actually grabbed her hand back, she knew he was being genuine, which made everything she felt before better. She took one long look at him. He truly was her best friend. And she was glad that he had him.

Matthew shook his head. ”I don’t see why you’d thank me,” he said, still looking down at their hands. Ari’s was much smaller than his. He could still pull his away, but was too intrigued by the warmth that had spread through more than just his fingers, so he didn’t. What difference would it make now anyway? ”I didn’t do anything.” He really hadn’t – other than ask her to come and actually show up – and he hadn’t even been sure he was going to manage that much. ”But in any case, it’s nice to see you relax and just have fun for once.” Not that Ari didn’t ever have fun, but definitely not like this. Though, Matthew wasn’t exactly being himself tonight either if he was being completely honest. Hell, he wasn’t being himself at all. But hadn’t he just said that people change? Maybe he’d just been trying so hard to push away all of the strange thoughts he’d been having over the past few months, and didn’t realize that he’d actually changed more than he thought in the process. Maybe, now that he’d let his wall down a bit, it was all just hitting him at once.

Ari didn’t say anything, but he could almost feel her tense slightly when he brought up what he used to think about her. And unexpectedly, a wave of guilt washed over him almost instantly. ”No, Ari, I didn’t mean it like that – I mean, that was a long time ago – “ Seriously, if someone had told his eleven year old self that he’d be sitting here feeling guilty for finding Ari annoying, he’d never believe it. ”I mean, I wasn’t exactly the most bearable kid either.” Matthew still wasn’t the most bearable person, if he was being honest with himself. ”But I don’t think that now – I think I’ve been trying to force myself to still think it, and I think I’ve probably not been the greatest to you in the process and I’m – “ Even now, the words didn’t come that easily, because old habits died hard. But when Matthew finally choked them out, his voice was honest. ”I’m sorry. You’ve really only ever tried to be my friend, and I never even cared until now and I feel like a complete git now because you deserved better than that, and I just – “ He was rambling again, because that was just what Matthew did when he didn’t know what else to say.

But then, he made the mistake of looking down at Ari, and his words fell to a halt. Because she was looking back up at him, her head still resting on his shoulder, and he suddenly became acutely aware of how close her face was to his. ”I just…” And were her eyes always that blue? He’d never noticed before. Because Matthew had never been inches away from Ari’s face before, because why would he be? But now he was, and he felt his breath catch in his throat as his eyes met hers. ”I, um - ” What the hell had he been saying? Really, Matthew wasn’t even sure why he was still trying to say it, whatever it had been. For half a moment, he tried to rack his mind for his train of thought, but quickly lost focus, just like all those times with the fire, and all those times while they were dancing, and when she’d grabbed his hand just before – and now. He really hoped that Ari didn’t notice his heartbeat speed up, and almost without even realizing it, a few inches shrunk to one. Like he was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame. The whole night – the past couple months – it had all been leading up to this. This moment that was only one inch out of his reach.

This night meant more to her than he would ever know. Thanking him wasn't enough, and to her, there was nothing more she could do to show him how much the night really did mean to her. Their hands where still intertwined, and she felt warmth spreading throughout her entire body, like the warmth radiating off a fire in a fireplace, and she didn't understand it. Well, she did, but she was afraid of it. She hadn't come to terms with anything yet. She knew what it all meant, and yet, it was all confusing to her. Ari replied, "But I do need to thank you. You did more than you'll ever know." And it was true. He had done more for her than anybody ever had. He had made her feel like a princess, which had been her number one goal in life. To find a prince who would treat her like a princess.

Even as he was saying those terrible words, she wouldn't let go of his hand because she knew they were 100% true. She knew she was some what unbearable as a child. What with her parents barley paying attention to her, and Aunt Evelyn fazing in and out of her life, she didn't really know how to keep all of that energy in, so she tended to pawn it off on other people. She nodded listening intently to what he said. She understood what he was saying and could tell he was getting nervous which was kind of cute. cute. Matthew and CUTE never went in the same sentence before. She wondered where this mind set was coming from. They had only spent one day in this perspective and it was different. A good different. She said, "I get what you are saying. And I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

And in truth she really was. She continued, "I guess..." She took a breath. She had never admitted anything like this before to anyone. She tried again, "I guess, since my parents didn't really pay any attention to me, and still don't. I didn't know how to keep everything in, and you where just there." She looked at their hands, still together comfortably. Not awkward. Not uncomfortable. Not weird. Normal. As she looked up at his face again, it still looked different. He had said he didn't do anything to his hair. Maybe she was seeing him in a whole new light. A light that shined brighter than anything she had ever seen. A light that shone brighter than the sun.

”You don’t have to apologize,” Matthew said, shaking his head again. Hearing her say she was sorry only made him feel more guilty, especially when she started talking about her parents. ”Well, your parents don’t know what they’re missing.” The words were out of his mouth before he could even realize that they were true. It didn’t matter anyway – Matthew was far beyond the point of caring if he said nice things, even though on a normal day he’d usually try to avoid seeming too friendly toward Ari. But this definitely wasn’t a normal day. It was hard to believe it was already almost over – and it was almost over, judging by the fact that Ari’s hair seemed to be starting to fall out of the curls she’d magicked into it. The corner of Matthew’s mouth turned up in amusement. ”I think your spell’s wearing off,” he joked, reaching up with his free hand to push some of it out of her face without thinking.

But after tucking it behind her ear, Matthew let his hand linger there, yet again far too aware of how close Ari was to him. He drew a shaky breath, trying to focus on anything but her face, but – like the entire night – it was a lost cause. If this was what it felt like to grow up, maybe it wasn’t so bad. Matthew had never even thought about kissing someone before, but right now it felt like he’d never been more compelled to do anything in his life. And finally, more caught up in the moment than ever, Matthew gave in completely, closing the small distance between them. Inches to centimeters to millimeters. But just before his lips reached Ari’s – literally so close that he could feel her breath - Matthew froze. Holy shit, what the hell are you doing?!

What the hell was he doing? Focus. Focus. Still frozen in place, Matthew’s head finally seemed to start catching up to where the rest of him was. Where was the rest of him? Less than a second away from kissing Ariadne O’Rieley. From kissing her! And just thinking the word kissing was enough to startle Matthew out of his daze, and he let his hand drop from her face and pulled back sharply – out of panic, and embarrassment – and also, maybe a little because he was just simply afraid to do it. And then, he just stared at her, completely horrified at himself for what he was just about to do. ”I – Um, Ari, I don’t – “ he stumbled over his words, only really saying them out of pure desperation for some way to recover from what had just happened. ”I can’t – I don’t think – I should – “ While struggling to find something – anything – that was appropriate to say, Matthew pulled his hand from hers. And finally, he landed on a coherent thought – the only one that made any semblance of sense right now. ”I should go.”

And with that, Matthew disentangled himself from her, forcing himself not to look at her, and stood up. ”I’m sorry,” he managed, just before taking off up the steps and pushing through the front doors. There was still music emanating from the Great Hall, but Matthew turned the opposite direction, plunging into the dungeons and not stopping until he’d slammed his dormitory door behind him. Only then did he let out a breath, leaning back against the door and staring at the ground in absolute confusion. What the hell had just happened? Was he really about to – holy shit, he couldn’t have. Maybe she’d given him a love potion or – but no, if she had, he never would have realized. Maybe it had worn off. But even as he thought it, he knew that wasn’t possible. Because no matter how much Matthew wished he could go back in time and not ask Ari to the dance, or how much he wished he was on better speaking terms with Ollie so he could go to him for help,  none of that was the most frustrating part. No, the most frustrating part was that even now, Matthew wished that he had the courage to go back out there and find Ari and kiss her. The most frustrating part was that even now, he wanted to.

But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t have. Even if it wasn’t a completely ludicrous idea, where the hell would it have left them? No, Matthew just needed to get Ari out of his head. For real this time. He’d been spending way too much time with her. He needed to block her out – hang out with other people. Do other things. He’d just have to avoid her. But he knew that right now, tonight, not thinking about her wasn’t even an option. So he just slid down the door, dropped a flame into his hand with his wand, and stared at the wall. Where was he supposed to go from here?

All the words he was saying was making her heart beat faster. She couldn't help but let a little tear slip from her eye. He really didn't know how much he meant to her. It really was true though. Her parents didn't know the amazing person she really was. Only a select handful of people did. And he was on top of her list for sure. Aunt Evelyn used to be, but with the stunts she pulled in the last year, she slid down to second. She felt her hands getting sweatier by the minute with every word he said. Because they were one hundred percent true. She wanted to wipe off the sweat on her dress, but not leave the comfort of his hand. She didn't know if she let go, if he would allow her to grab back on. And that made her nervous. She loved holding his hand. Growing up she never really got to hold her parents hands as they were always absent, so she wondered if this was what it was like. Only, she liked Matthew wayyyyy more than she liked her parents.

This was it. THIS WAS IT. He was coming closer. He pushed her hair back behind her ears and lingered his hand there, A LITTLE TOO LONG. But it was good. It was what she wanted right? She stared at his face. A face she swore he did something too, but he denied everything. Her heart had never beat so fast in her entire life. When Aunt Evelyn left, she cried, and her heart beat fast then, but this was worse. No better. No worse. She couldn't decide if it was a good or bad thing and that scared her even more. He leaned in. HE WAS SO CLOSE. She could feel his breath on his nose. Everything was falling into place. She really was a princess tonight, and it was all because of him. Then she wondered, should she let him kiss her? Or should she just full on plant one on him? Or would that scare him away? She was nervous.

But just as he was about to do what she had been wanting this entire night, he pulled away. He pulled away way too soon and she felt her heart leap into her throat. His hand pulled away from hers and she just felt empty. The one tear she let escape, soon followed twenty more. He had gotten scared. She had wondered if it was all entirely her fault. Had she pushed something that could never happen? Where her feelings all in her head and she was just imagining them? She watched as he walked away. He apologized, but that didn't seem to be enough. She wanted him to sit close to her. But the second he pulled away, all hope seemed lost. Or maybe she was just growing up a little faster than he was, and he was just a child. And that made her more upset than anything else that happened that night. The second they seemed to get closer, they would drift apart. And as she let the tears slide down her face, she slowly stood up. This was going to be a long night. And she had thought it was just ending. But maybe she could compare this to Cinderella. Maybe he would come along with her glass slipper. Maybe he would have a change of heart. She could only hope.