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 Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always)

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Ciara Malfoy

Ciara Malfoy

Posts : 44
Join date : 2014-09-09

Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) Empty
PostSubject: Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always)   Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) EmptyTue Mar 03, 2015 8:27 am

Basic Information:

Full Name: Cameilla Azalea Jameson
Date of Birth: 5th May
Hogwarts Year: 6th
Age on September 1st: 16
Age on next birthday: 17
Blood Purity: Halfblood
Hometown: England, London
Current Home: England, London / Hogwarts

Appearance:

Hair: Her hair color is Blue, orginal was blonde but she likes to changes often her hair color. Most of times it's sraight.
Eye Color: Blue
Height: 168cm
Weight: 49kg
Body Type: Slim
Dress Style: Dresses most of times.
Other (eg birth mark, tattoo ect): Nothing.

Personality:
Personality:
People say she is friendly and kind girl, who is nice even to her worst enemy. Cam really tries to be that, even if there is times when she wants to seem rude and mean and she have been it too when needed and she couldn't hold back. She have became quite loyal one to her friends and family. She can keep secrets well. Cameilla is brave girl who isn't afraid of spiders or bugs but she is afraid of heights but tries to hide it so well as possible.She is intelligent one too, she can read, draw, write (stories, lyrics, poems etc), play guitar (also piano and violin). She likes to study new things when ever needed and has free time. She is quick leaner. Also very hardworking one. She is very active so she has to do something, she just can't sit still or stand and do nothing. She will always to do something.
Likes: Rabbits, Music, Boys, Cherries
Dislikes: Heights, Dogs, Chocolates, Bullies
Strengths: Playing Guitar and Piano, Writting Lyrics, Studying, Intelligence
Weaknesses: Heights, Too easily trusting(sometimes), Cute Boys
Quirks: Bitting lips
Habits: Playing with hair and bitting nails.
Best Class: Charms
Worst Class: DADA

Background:
Cameilla was born as Diana Johnson and Eric Jameson child. It was accident what lead to marrige when girl was three. Both of her patents wanted to be part of girls life.
It was one night at party, Diana and Eric were drunk and they did it with out condom. So Cameilla is result for it.
Girl had always both parents who lovex and cared about her but they always gave girl so much freedom. So now she dies her hair often. She have had even pink and green color hair. She have had all things what she neded and still does: parents, money, house and friends.

When she got letter from Hogwarts it was no surprise since she knew that she was witch since she was six. It was time when weird things around her began to happen so her parents explained to her back then. Ever since then she have learned slowly about magic.

So far her school life has been good. She have made a friends and also there is enemies. There have been few crushes on boys too but she haven't told about it to anyone. She doesn't look for boyfriend yet but it's time actually. She has good grades too, she doesn't like to fail in any class. She wants to graduate with good grades for sure.

Family:
Mother (Name, age, dead or alive, blood purity): Diana Jameson (nee Jonhson), 36, alive, halfblood
Father (Name, age, dead or alive, blood purity): Eric Jameson, 37, alive, halfblood
Siblings (Name, age, dead or alive, blood purity): n/a
Other family members (Name, age, dead or alive, blood purity): n/a

Other:
Wand: Oak, Phoenix Feather, 11 Inches
Patronus: Panther
Animagus Form (only fifth years and above): n/a
Animal: Owl Lily

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Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) 16gcsgo
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Evan Williams

Evan Williams

Posts : 535
Join date : 2013-07-31

My Character
::
Activity: Ravenclaw Dropout

Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always)   Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) EmptyTue Mar 03, 2015 9:46 am

Hair: Her hair color is Bblue, original was blonde, but she likes to changes her hair color often her hair color. Most of the time times it's straight.
Eye Color: Blue
Height: 168cm
Weight: 49kg
Body Type: Slim
Dress Style: Dresses, most of the time times.
Other (e.g. birth mark, tattoo, ect etc.): Nothing.

How I would rewrite it:
Most of the time, Cam's hair is straight. Its original color is blond, but Cam likes to change it often, and now it's blue.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

People say she is a friendly and kind girl, who is nice even to her worst enemy. Cam really tries to be that, even if there are is times when she wants to seem rude and mean, and she was like that have been it too when needed and she couldn't hold back. She have became quite loyal one to her friends and family. She can keep secrets well. Cameilla is a brave girl who isn't afraid of spiders or bugs, but she is afraid of heights but tries to hide it so as well as possible. She is an intelligent one too, she can read, draw, write (stories, lyrics, poems, etc.), play guitar (also piano and violin). She likes to learn study new things when ever needed and has free time. She is a quick leaner. Also a very hardworking one. She is very active, so she has to do something, she just can't sit still or stand and do nothing. She will always to do something.

I don't like the words I underlined. I would rewrite it as follows:

People say Cam is a friendly and kind girl, who is nice even to her worst enemy. She really tries to be that, although there are times when she wants to seem rude and mean. She is quite loyal to her friends and family and can keep secrets well. Cameilla is a brave girl who isn't afraid of spiders or bugs, but she is afraid of heights, although she tries to hide it as well as possible. She is also intelligent: she can draw, write (stories, lyrics, poems, etc.), and play guitar, piano, and violin. She likes to learn new things when she has free time. Cam is a quick leaner and tends to work very hard. She is very active, and she always has to do something, not just sitting or standing still.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. English is not my first language, but now it should look better.
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Evan Williams

Evan Williams

Posts : 535
Join date : 2013-07-31

My Character
::
Activity: Ravenclaw Dropout

Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always)   Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) EmptyTue Mar 03, 2015 12:19 pm

The girl has had always both parents who have always lovedx and cared about her, but they always also gave the girl so too much freedom. So now she dyes dies her hair often. She have had even had pink and green color hair. She have has always had all things what she needed and still does: parents, money, house, and friends.

When she got her letter from Hogwarts, it was no surprise since she knew that she was a witch since she was six. It was the time when weird things around her began to happen, so her parents explained it all to her back then. Ever since then she have learned has been learning slowly about magic.

So far her school life has been good. She have made a friends and also there is enemies. There have been few crushes on boys too, but she hasn't haven't told anyone about it to anyone. She's not looking doesn't look for a boyfriend yet, but it's time actually. She has good grades too, she doesn't like to fail in any class. She wants to graduate with good grades for sure.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I would remove the whole "marriage when Cam was three", "mysterious accident", and "no condom party" part from her background.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. English is not my first language, but now it should look better.
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Aoife O'Donnell
Adult
Aoife O'Donnell

Posts : 1170
Join date : 2013-10-29
Age : 21

My Character
::
Activity: Gryffindor - Year 7, Head Girl

Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always)   Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) EmptyTue Mar 03, 2015 6:19 pm

Just adding on a wee bit to Evan's with pink and green Smile



The girl has had always both parents who have always lovedx and cared about her, but they always also gave the girl so too much freedom. So now she dyes dies her hair often. She have had even had pink and green color hair. She have has always had all things what that she needed and still does: parents, money, house, and friends.

When she got her letter from Hogwarts, it was no surprise since she knew had known that she was a witch since she was six. It was the time when weird things around her began to happen, so her parents explained it all to her back then. Ever since then she have learned has been learning slowly about magic.

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Ciara Malfoy

Ciara Malfoy

Posts : 44
Join date : 2014-09-09

Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always)   Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) EmptyTue Mar 03, 2015 9:54 pm

1) You put her hair is blue and she likes to change it alot - so is it blue right now? or blue for good? Cos she says its green pink later. If its blue for good then its confusing saying she changes it a lot.
2) Why would she want to seem rude or mean? Since you said shes a nice friendly girl.
3) What does she try to hide? That she is brave or that she is afraid of heights?
4) How can she be too easily trusting sometimes? Surely that is either her personality or its not?
5) Her history seems mostly devoted to her life after starting Hogwarts - its meant to be all about her childhood and you give very little on that.
6) You say she really tries to be nice and kind like people say? So are you saying that first part isn't her real personality but just what people say about her?
7) You say she had too much freedom so she dyes her hair a lot. Is dying her hair really having too much freedom? Or does she have too much freedom and she does that.
8.) London is not the country - England is the country, London is the city.


THESE THINGS NEEDS TO BE CHANGED OR ADDED MORE.

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Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) 16gcsgo
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PostSubject: Re: Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always)   Would someone fix for me grammar errors here? (i know i should do it myself but i might not spot them always) Empty

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